The more I see the world, the less I understand.
There are so many changes happening right now. Forces that influence my life in ways that I can’t possibly foresee or control.
In this increasingly diverse and fast changing world, I feel that every of my actions, feelings, ideas, beliefs, values are constantly challenged, and the opposing force may sometimes even win.
Yes, I’m talking about war and violence, inequality, climate destruction, social discrimination, the lack of trust in humanity, the economy that is constantly growing and shrinking at the same time, the constant invention of new social norms and destructions of old ones and everything else in between.
The psychological stress it takes to witness actions or ideas that are not consistent with my own, are sometimes overwhelming.
What can I do, when facing a problem that is so big and beyond what any individual can do?
I admit, sometimes I feel helpless and small. Sometimes I feel like there’s nothing I can do.
Luckily, I only feel like that some of the time. Most of the time, I try to channel this feeling of despair into a burning sensation of motivation.
Yes, the problems are so big. They are scary and gloomy. But because of that there’s so much to be done. Therefore there’s so much I can do.
Last September, I took a spontaneous decision, the only way I make decisions these days it seems, to pursue a MASc degree at the London Interdisciplinary School. The whole process from first knowing about the school, applying and admission to the first day on campus only took me a month. It was a decision that I was not mentally and financially prepared for, so I had to turn my life around to make it happen. It was not easy but I’m glad that it happened for me, because so far it has been as enjoyable as I can imagine a master degree can be.
The school is newly opened with a brand new degree that I can’t pronounce most of the time - MASc in Interdisciplinary Problems & Methods. It runs like a small start-ups. There’s about 120 students and 40 staff. Most of the people I meet remember my name. Each person that I meet is fascinating and brilliant in their own way. There’s an interesting mix of people, some are much older than me and full of life wisdom, some are much younger and full of energy. There are artists, physicists, psychologists, philosophers, historians, lawyers, computer scientists, entrepreneurs and so many more other professions coming together to learn the latest knowledge in the fields of data science, computing & AI, human behaviour, linguistics, visual arts and other fields that I’m hearing of for the first time.
I felt intimidated at first, but that’s a good sign because I’m surrounded by people who are smarter than me. We’re all there to learn how to make a difference, in new ways that haven’t been taught before, to design and innovate using the mind of a scientist and the heart of an artist. And by doing so for me there’s a sense of hope. That by changing our ways to live and learn, may be we can change what the world is going to be too.
In a month of starting school, I’ve spanned myself across different projects. I submitted Project Safe Space to the School's Impact Fund and got accepted. I continued running my art studio and got into my first 2 exhibitions in London, something that just last year was a dream out of reach. I’m also applying for a range of different opportunities, from start-up competition to incubation programs to art residency, and got to be a part of Blackout Studios, a creative community supporting emerging artist. For my master project I decided to learn to create my first animation/ stop-motion advocacy film inspired by the hope and strength of refugee children. Suddenly opportunities to make a change opened up, because I opened up to a world full of possibilities.
Just the month before it wasn’t even in my mind that I would be doing any of this. I was comfy being a stay-at-home parent cozy up in my safe haven and dreaded coming back into the “big bad world”. But it wasn’t a true safe haven for me, because there’s still isn’t a safe haven for everyone everywhere. I felt restless. I felt an urge that there is a mission and a purpose for me to find. New exciting ways to create impacts that are beyond my imagination.
Now running in all directions like a headless chicken looking for that new horizon, I feel - myself.
Not all of these projects will be successful. I swing between being overly confident to severe imposter syndrome every other day. But I feel alive between these two extremes, knowing I’m challenging myself to do something I’m scared of doing, to try new things that I tell myself I could never achieve. Most importantly, I’m allowing my ideas a chance to come into reality and potentially make a difference in the world. A chance to experiment then fail then reinvent. Isn’t that what essentially all artists, scientists and creators do?
There was a period of time where I felt really lost. I used to pride myself for being really good at certain things. Now I’m constantly at the beginner learner level, feeling small and scared and new. Is taking in all possibilities, means I’m not taking any direction at all and would I not go anywhere?
But I realised that me constantly feeling lost, also means that I’m constantly seeking. The world is changing in multimillions direction, and I’m doing the same. It’s a generalist’s world now. There are complex problems that I can’t solve on my own but there are equally complex systems being designed and built for problem-solvers like me. So I’m hustling my way through all these new exciting possibilities to live life in the most unique interesting exciting meaningful way possible. And that does not feel so radical like it used to anymore. I feel welcomed. I feel embraced. I feel belonged.
So, a lot of what I do won’t make sense to you. They’re barely making sense even to myself. I’m a clueless optimist comedic relief dreamer fool. But that’s ok. The world needs more dreamers right now.
It is customary and necessary to say thank you to all the people that have been there for me along the ways. Thank you to my family and old and new friends who love and support every version of me, to the leaders that paving the way for progress, and to you, who are reading this blog and following my creative journey. All this wouldn't have been possible without all of you building a foundation of rocks to ground my feet.
Thank you! And I'll see you soon with a new me.
From my heart to yours,
Milie
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