It’s 3 more days until 2023 officially ends.
I’m sitting alone at home, in front of our burning fireplace. It is quiet in the house. My husband is away on a short trip visiting an old friend, and my son is spending the night with his grandparents. I can’t remember the last time I was completely alone.
10 years ago, I would have hated moments like this. I used to hate confronting my own thoughts. But now, it is rare that I have a chance to spend the evening with myself, to contemplate inward and have a conversation with the mind.
The last time I looked into my mind, I had an interesting elevation.
Earlier of this year, I had a burning question that I wanted answers for.
“What is my creative muse?”
On my quest to find an answer, a vision came to my mind.
A vision of me, sitting in front of a mirror. With my arms holding my knees to my chest, I look at my reflection alone, with nothing around me.
"Give me an answer". I asked myself.
“Who am I as an artist?”
“How might I start searching?”
“Where do I go from here?”
I sat there patiently, calmly, waiting.
Then came, intrusive thoughts.
Politics, news, social media, negative thoughts,…
distraction, attraction, abstraction, chaos,
they came and went as they pleased,
My mind was under attack.
For hours, I fought just to stay focused, to bring myself away from these thoughts, back to sitting in front of the big mirror. To find an image of myself and to remember the big question.
My body was physically fighting. I started to sweat, I started to ache. I wanted to get up and get away. What was the question? I couldn’t remember.
But if I can’t even remember the question, how can I know the answer when it comes?
So I stayed and fought my own mind in a soup of random thoughts. It wasn’t comfortable, I could have given up. But I had to know the answer. Because without an answer, there was no way for me to move on.
“What is the work that I have to do?”
I waited and waited all night.
Nothing came.
My mind was as blank as when I started.
I was still sitting there, alone in my mind, staring at myself in the empty mirror.
Hours wasted.
Just as I was about to hand myself over to disappointment, suddenly, a realization hit me.
It was like awakening from a coma.
I still don’t know what my creative muse is, but whatever I was experiencing, that was the work. That’s what I need to do to meet the muse.
For my muse to come,
I have to sit,
confront my thoughts,
eliminate all distraction,
empty my mind,
endure the discomfort,
and create a blank canvas.
It was a gruelling and exhausting experience, and no muse ever came. But because I did it once, I know I can do it again.
And I’ll go there again and again, to the meeting point, no matter how many hours it will take, for a chance to meet my creative muse and channel my higher self and the power of the creative gift. Just any day, the spirit may pay a visit. I can only hope. But the power of the gift is only as strong as the mind. And it is in the mind where my battle ground is.
Throughout last year, I’ve also realised that, knowing what to do and actually doing the work are two very different things.
2023 gave me a lot of curveballs. I’ve done a lot, but I feel I achieved very little. All I did was trying my best getting through whatever is being thrown at me. But, that is ok. It’s part of the work.
I’m proud of myself for embracing all the challenges, and staying focused and curious and tentative through all the life lessons given to me. I thank myself for growing up, and for living slow.
Tonight, confronting myself again in the mirror, I see fragments of me reflecting.
Like how you would look into a mirror that has been broken, there are many versions of me looking back.
Like how a bell has been rung, and the echoes haven’t quite stopped. Its sound is still vibrating and not quite collected.
I felt like I’ve lived many lives in just one short year.
“Which version of me do I wish to keep?”
“What is the next task for me?”
I don’t have the answer, but I’ve come to learn that I rarely do have an answer.
I do though, have feelings and intuition that I started to listen to more often and they turned out to be quite wise about the world, so I’ll let them run the show for a little bit.
After all, Albert Einstein quoted: “The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift.”
It’s 3 more days until 2024 officially begins. I don’t know yet what to expect, but when I have a chance, I’ll continue sitting in front of my mirror of the mind, contemplating what it is that I see.
Happy New Year everyone! May the new year bring you truth, and peace.
From my heart to yours,
Milie
My last artwork of 2023, titled "The Last of Fall" (Oil on canvas 90x120cm)
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